We lie and we lie..but its for the best

 Someone asked me today why I don’t call them na mbona nimepotea hivo. Very simple questions really, that are asked rhetorically and don’t require very mind tasking answers. However, because we are good people, we just lie through questions like that. We lie through most pleasantries as a matter of fact or at least I do.

The good lady who asked me this today got hit with the same old “niko tu…” and “I lost my phone…” blatant lies. Its not that I am a dishonest bastard, small lies in some cases are just easier. And we all do it. Because it is simple, easier and cuts an otherwise long unpleasant story short. Also, if we told the truth all the time we’d have no friends seeing that we are social beings.

Most lies we tell to make life easier are not more than five words. We keep them short so as not to implicate ourselves. Personally, I tend to be very descriptive when talking of things I like but when I lie I keep my words to the minimum; mostly two or three words.

Think about it.

For instance, a female friend excitedly asks another “Am going out for a date…how do I look?”

The truthful response:  “you are trying too much you bitch. Your make up makes you look like an ambitious clown. That dress is too short, as is your future with that guy if you table manners are as I remember. You are not supposed to wear stockings with mules, your toes peeping out at the front covered in overstretched silk knock offs makes you look retarded and for humanity’s sake stop forcing a cleavage your boobs are not half as big as the fool you are going to make of yourself tonight.”

This is the truthful response. But what does the friend say all smiles?  “You look fine sweetie…” four words; three minus ‘sweetie’. It’s very important that you throw in a food related term of endearment for your lie to meet the standards. Sweetie, honey, sugar-pie and cookie are some you can pick from.

The lecturer in that class you think you can do without asks “do you understand?”

The truthful response: “I don’t understand, I don’t care to understand. How on earth is this bullshit going to assist my career? You hardly understand what you are talking about yourself, how do you expect me to? I pay all this money to have you read slides to me word by word. You have all those degrees and PHD’s and you are stuck here teaching a bunch of ingrates who care more about their nails and drunken sex than they do about the shit you just spent an hour reading to us. Your jokes are not half as bad compared to my understanding of the hogwash you just read from those little slides you hurriedly prepared there.”

Answer you give: “yes sir/madam!” two words that are simpler than all the above. Because you need one letter, ‘A’.

What’s worse is that sometimes these lies are completely unsolicited. No questions are asked. We just blurt them out for selfish reasons; to kiss ass or get mileage for whatever course. In a club for instance, a guy walks up to a girl and strikes up conversation. It’s close to last call and he throws in a drink and a recycled pick up line for the skimpily dressed not very lady-like lady.

In-between jokes he moves in for the kill with a pick from a collection of simple lies that have guaranteed countless men all through history philandering success. Simple lies so strong that if delivered correctly would make any woman weak at the knee. The lie should be not more than three or four words complementing the girl in a vague but deep way. Unlike the simplicity of the words, how they are said makes the whole difference. Our skilled hunter stops talking while the girl is laughing, straightens his back on the chair, looks straight in her eyes, pauses to make sure she’s been enveloped by the urgency and passion in his and Bam!

moving in for the kill

What he says; “you are very pretty.”  “You have beautiful eyes.” Or if he wants to be fancy with words “I don’t see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.”

The truth: I don’t remember the fake name you told me. I hope you don’t have anything I could catch when you pay for that drink later. I hope you leave early in the morning too, because I wouldn’t want to be seen with you around my neighborhood. Other than drunken sex I have no interest in you whatsoever. The prettier, classier girl I really wanted already left with her friends but my friends are all getting laid tonight so you better chug that drink quick and get into the taxi. I have an ego and peer respect to maintain.

 Small lies small lies. They are just simpler than the truth. They make life so livable. They make us get along with each other. They help protect people’s feelings and sex lives because sometimes the truth is just a bitch.

So good miss you wonder why I haven’t called you na mbona nimepotea?

The truthful response: I really don’t like you much. I never have. You have absolutely no value to add to my life. Just because we go to the same institution, does not make you my friend. I’d rather count my pubic hair or use my phone to crash macadamia than call you. You and I have absolutely nothing in common and I did not save your number that time you read it to me. I do not even remember how you and I got acquainted and honestly I don’t care.

What I said: "I lost my phone…"

Because it’s easier.

you and I