I used to be proud to be in USIU

When I was in high school, I had a cousin in USIU. On weekends, he’d let me tag along. At the gate, the askaris would make fun of why I did not have an ID before handing me the visitor’s pass. I would walk the grounds admiring everything while my cousin went to class. I’d look at the library and classes and dream of joining the institution some day. I admired how everything looked so clean, organized and harmonious.

These visits had everything to do with my joining the institution a few years later. I’ve been a proud student too. I’ve encouraged family friends to bring their kids to USIU.  I’ve been a strong defender of the school among friends and acquaintances whenever there’s been an issue that threatens to paint the image of the school negatively. Every year I bring 20 or so upper primary pupils from different schools that I teach film at for an organized trip to USIU. The purpose is to encourage them to work hard for college and 90 percent of them say they’ll join USIU in future.

A humiliating encounter with the school’s security recently has however threatened to change my whole perception of USIU. In the recent past there’s been heightened concern with security in and around the school following the infamous kidnapping cases. This however, is no excuse to frustrate or punish those of us who were in no way involved in whatever happened.  Why do I say this?

For as long as I have known the school, the procedure for having a visitor within the grounds is you present yourself and your school ID, they write  the details in a book, the visitor leaves their  Identification  and they are handed a visitor’s pass which they should display at all times while within the school.

Recently I had a visitor; an Alumnus of the school from the class of 2011.  As expected, I went to the gate and presented myself so they could allow him in.  The guard who was at the gate enquired, as they do, about where in the school we were going and I answered the ICT center. The guard then informed us that no visitors other than students were allowed into the ICT center. That was well and good and we had no objections. Rules are rules after all. So then I asked that he be allowed in, I’d go get my things from the ICT center and we’d go to the cafeteria instead. The guard declined and said that my visitor would have to wait outside.

Dissatisfied, I had my visitor wait as I headed to the head of security’s office. Mr. Koech , was not in his office and I waited a few minutes until he came. I explained the situation; he listened disinterestedly and asked me to wait while he handled something. He made a few calls and made out the door so I followed him. He explained that they were having issues with visitors lying at the gate and asked if my visitor had an alumni card. I responded that I did not know.

He asked me to wait for him outside the administration block as he went in. Ten or so minutes later he walked out and without a word to me, headed back to his office. I stood there for a while not sure what was going on. After waiting for a considerable amount of time I then headed back to his office. He was seated at his desk and I asked if I should still wait. Perhaps I was undeserving of his answer for he did not even bother to turn to look at me. I must have started to be a bother to him and perhaps my case was unimportant compared to more important issues he had at hand.

So there I stood outside the office not sure whether to wait or go. All this time, my visitor, waited outside in the July cold. Eventually, Mr. Koech comes out of his office, locks the door and again without a word to me walks on. I figure that’s probably my cue to follow. At the gate, we speak to the guard I’d originally dealt with. He confirms my story word for word. He then explains that all visitors must be accompanied by whoever they are visiting to where they intend to visit and I explain that I intended to do that all along.

“So nani alikua na makosa?” Mr. Koech asks looking at me.

“Hakuna mtu alikua na makosa” I respond.

As it turns out, my answer was incorrect.

“Oh hauoni makosa? Sasa, wewe na mgeni wako muende mtakuja siku ingine mkiwa pamoja” he says and walks away.

I suppose the answer that he, Mr. Koech wanted, was for me to say that I was in the wrong so they could let my visitor in. By saying neither I nor the guard was in the wrong, I must have upset him so bad. Being an institution of higher learning, reason should surpass emotion on all levels.
 Rules are put in place to make things function and run smoothly not to be used to frustrate people and to stroke egos or to prove who is right and who is wrong. It would have only taken a few punches on a keyboard to verify that I was indeed a student and that my visitor was indeed an alumnus if that was the issue. If the issue was that they thought we’d go into the ICT center either way, they have security there too. Who by the way, I have never seen ask for ID. Any tom, dick and harry can walk in and out freely. I know this because I am there every day.

This incidence was most unfortunate because of three things.

First, during the whole encounter you could see in how low regard the head of security held me. From his attitude, it seemed I was wasting his time. He treated my visitors and I as if we were suspects of some kind. As students, we are customers of sorts to the university. He is there because of us and we because of him. Is this the way to treat a customer? Why all the arrogance and self aggrandizing on his part?

Second, is that the school’s policy on visitors or were we treated this way because someone was having a bad day or maybe we were less important? When you come to school, the first people you encounter are the guards; they are almost entirely responsible for your first impression of the place. If you have fulfilled the requirements such as having identification and the presence of whomever you are visiting, on what grounds was my visitor denied entry?  I hate to imagine if that was my parent visiting me at campus and he or she was treated to this.

Thirdly, my visitor was an alumnus of the school. He graduated barely a year ago. Is this how alumnus are treated? Will that be me in a years time, made to wait outside of the gate because you refuse to beg the guard or suck up to the head of security. After spending four years in an institution I cannot be trusted to go to the cafeteria for a cup of coffee unaccompanied?

Issues are bound to arise in daily life. However, how these issues are dealt with by those in charge is what influences the whole outcome. We were not asking for any favors or to be treated special and had fulfilled all the requirements needed to get into school. We were denied entry simply because I did not agree with the head of security on who was right or wrong. 

The saddest part is mine is not an isolated case. It is cases like this that continue to tarnish the university’s image not just from within but also out there. In the long run, it is the school that stands to loose. I wonder how many potential students or parents have been or will be turned away simply because the guard is having a bad day or simply because the visitor does not conform to the head of security’s senses of what or who is wrong and who is right? Incidences like this get round faster through word of mouth than any press release, TV interview or damage control ever will.

All of a sudden, I don’t feel very proud to be part of this institution if I cannot be accorded such small respects.

How to make millions of shillings and become a Kenyan politician (part 1)

Hi there, come in. Come in. Have a seat.

One minute as i clear this here...

Okay! hi, my name is Eugene and I shall be your consultant on how to make millions of shillings and become a top Kenyan politician. 

lets get started right away...

the 1st step is to have made  millions of shillings.

Are you there? Have you made the millions? Okay let’s go. Now it’s time to start on your journey to becoming a top Kenyan politician. At this point I know you wonder how qualified I am to be your consultant…yes? I am not. I have no qualifications whatsoever. And you too will need none to become a politician. Sure they say that soon you must have a degree to become MP, but not to worry, our good friends at parliament will shoot it down. If not we’ll buy you one from a local or international university.

Or less

We’ll get you something smart but not too obvious. Not something like law or engineering that might require you to prove yourself. We’ll get you something like a degree in Gynecology…they’ll never ask you to prove that...you see what I did there? This will set you back a million or two…you see? The millions are already coming in handy.

So degree in hand, now we pick a region to represent. At this point I know you’re thinking the place you grew up. Do not. Think of the place with the most number of your tribesmen and the least educated too. Now the place you pick depends on your age. If you are youthful (in the Kenyan sense meaning anything from 22-72 years of age) pick an urban area. In my sense youthful means at least below 45. If you are above 60, pick the most remote rural area with the best number of your uneducated tribesmen. They do not believe in young people those.

A point to note here however, is that the top area politician of the place you pick must not be very wealthy; chopper wealthy. These guys buy votes in the hundreds of millions and you do not want to compete and finish your millions before your first term in parliament now do you?

Now that we’ve got a degree and region, the next thing we need is a party. Now this point is a bit tricky. Manifesto does not matter but there are two things that are important in your choice. 1^st of all, the party must have a good following among your tribesmen. 2^nd the head of the party must be your friend or someone you can pay to ensure your nomination ticket should you loose at the party primaries. Its better that he is a friend so we can save the money we’d pay him for bribing voters. As I said, do not bother yourself too much with party manifestos and leadership, we can party hop when we get to parliament.

Millions-check

Degree-check

Region-check

Party-check

Now Its time to hit the campaign trail. You can dress in suits when going for party events but when going ‘home’ a leather or suede jacket and a casual expensive shirt is appropriate. Get a god papa hat (cow boy hat) the locals take it as a show of wealth.

See, everybody knows you need a god papa to make it in politics

Grow a pot belly and buy a walking stick too. These are important things for a ‘serious’ politician. If the region you picked is the remote kind, get a Toyota Prado. A well maintained Toyota Prado but with an older number plate. The older number plate proves to the locals that you made your money a while back and you can use this in rallies to discredit younger politicians by citing how young their plates and therefore their politics is. If yours is a more urban region, get a hummer. They love love love hummers.

In the constituency, you will need people on the ground. To popularize you and gunner you votes. First place you go to is the church. They have massive influence especially with rural women. They spread good news, and you sir, are the messiah. Attend a few Sunday services, kneel at the platform, with your hands raised to receive blessings and at the end of the service, meet the deacons and pastor at the backroom and raise your wallet to give blessings. Buy the church a few wooden benches, help them repair their water tank and contribute generously at harambees.  Generously here is relative and shouldn’t be very expensive. Just make sure to give more than the highest contributor and sooner than later, they will have no choice but to tag you ‘mheshimiwa’.

If you do this with most of the churches in the region you‘ll have secured the women’s and religious men’s vote.  Next, pick a few influential wazees in the region. Depending on how many millions you have left now, give them free t-shirts and organize a trip for them to the capital where they can see monuments and reminisce about their younger days working for Indians at textile shops and living in Kariokor or Ngara.

 Host them at a decent lodging downtown and meet them for an evening meal where you’ll give them promises of water dams and free fertilizer. On their way home ensure each one is given 1,000 shillings and a wrong phone number that they can use to contact you at any time. Give the head 10,000 shillings. They’ll sing your praises to their wives and children and at the mountain tops of the village.

That taken care of, go back to the village and deal with the youth. This should not be very difficult. Much talking is not needed here. Identify the most popular drinking joints. Focus on changaa and keg because its cheaper and rural youth have no money for beer anyway. Buy the whole stock and let them drink to their fill. No need to address them, they are not in any state to hear you anyway.

the more dunk the better

 Do this occasionally. At rallies, promise thousands of jobs. It doesn’t matter if you have a plan for them or not. They’re too busy making babies and drinking cheap liquor to follow it up. Buy a few cheap Chinese motorcycles and distribute them to the few hard working ones.  

Are you following? My hour is over now and my secretary tells me another client is waiting outside. See you next week. 

And remember, it’s your time to eat!